Should Have Gone With The Plastic Castles
by Elizabeth Carter
Summary: The pain of finding a gift for someone you care for. Following the beginning flirtations with femShepard and Garrus about reach and flexibility. This is more a cannon-ME2 game story and not at all connected to my Rising from the Ashes world. ( yes I went over to the dark side here just a bit by not doing my normal fewmShep /Liara )


SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE LITTLE PLASTIC CASTLES

AUTHOR: Elizabeth E. Carter

TITLE: Should Have Gone With the Little Plastic Castle

SERIES: Mass Effect

PAIRING: Paragon FemShepard / Garrus

CATEGORY: Humor

GENERAL SPOILER ALERT

SUMMARY: The pain of finding a gift for someone you care for. Following the beginning flirtations with Shepard and Garrus about reach and flexibility. No this is not on the whole a het-fic, it's more like two best friends dabbling in the idea of a romance (before they come to their senses.).

AUTHORS NOTES 1: Written in the Cannon ME2 universe: This little story takes place after Shepard runs around for Liara on Illium hacking all the terminals and before LotSB where Liara and Shepard reunite. Shepard has learned how Cerberus got their hands on her body (she forgave Liara for that, its okay she wasn't angry about it) and Liara's revenge on the Shadow Broker.(which upset our hero a mite) Shepard feels more or less rejected because Liara won't let her in and she also believes she's been replaced by Feron. Bloody stupid 2x backstabbing Feron! (That particular drell has become perverse profanity in the Spectre's mind. No she's not jealous one bit Grumble grumble Feron grumble… turned my girl into Darth Liara…)

AN2: My Shepard is Vanguard/Adept-Spacer-War Hero concept

DISCLAIMER: Bioware owns the concept of Mass Effect and all of its characters. This fanfic is for entertainment and no profit what-so-ever. Based on game and books and comics, lines borrowed from both.

(Beta reader Jo aka Celievamp)

Dedicated to three good and dear friends: Stray Spectre and Spectress who let me bounce this idea off their heads in the wee hours of the morning _after _already playingx-amount of hours of ME3 multi-player. And to Octoberskys who put up with all the teasing "hey about that new story you're writing…"

It had been a couple of days since the Sidonis incident. Garrus was simply glad it was over. He had even heard from Galaxy News that the traitorous former squad mate not only turned himself in to C-Sec, he had admitted to murdering the other ten men on his team. Shepard had been right Sidonis wasn't alive any more. Killing him would have been a mercy the man didn't deserve.

Well it was over now. And there was another issue on Garrus's mind, one far more pleasant but no less difficult.

Shepard.

The name conjured up a woman of refined talent, great battle prowess, humour, warmth, a cold tactician and strategist…an inspiring leader…oh he could go on and on about his best friend. Now…now however they were entertaining the idea of a more physical relationship. He couldn't shake the image from his mind of that smirk on her face when she told him.

'…_We can test your reach and my flexibility.' _

Flexibility. That was it, the paradox to Shepard. The woman could not dance in a nightclub but she sure could move in the battlefield. She was graceful, artistic and a beauty to watch in battle. But take the Spectre to the dance floor and the poor woman was like a frog in a blender. Good thing she could make a rifle dance in theatre.

Prowling the streets of Zakera Ward, Garrus's thoughts continued to run away from him. He was at a total loss. With a turian woman, he knew what he was doing. What he could say. He could complement her fringe or the streamlines of her waist…but a human. What did you say to a human woman?

'Your hair looks good, your waist is very supportive.' He rolled his eyes...'No no that sounds bad.' not at all the slick smooth lines he was used to… 'Have to watch more vids. Guess Fleet and Flotilla won't cut it. Not trying to woo Tali here. And Vaenia is out. A love story about human woman and an asari with all that violence, battle and sex…. Spirits no! That would be very bad considering…what happened with Liara and all. Good sound track though. Have to remember to download it to my omni-tool.

'Okay okay Vakarian come on think, you're a smart guy. She likes guns; I like guns… could take her on a date up on top the Presidium. I've always wanted to go up there. Hell with what we're about to face, I just don't give a damn if it's going to break a dozen regulations. Bet Shepard won't either. Maybe take some practice shots, and find out who is the best shot, the great Commander Shepard or Archangel. She'd love that!' his mandibles flicked in a turian grin.

'Crap. I just don't want this to go wrong. C-Sec, Sidonis, her death, this whole damn thing being with Cerberus spying on us at every turn and with what happened on Illium with Liara…I want something to go right…' He musings took him near the store front of Citadel Souvenirs. There he stopped. Not necessarily because of an asari asking her turian bondmate if he wanted a ship or a fish as a souvenir from the citadel but because it gave him an idea.

'A gift! Perfect, I'll get her a gift. Women like gifts.'

The only problem, he knew if he were courting a turian woman what to give her. But Shepard? What do you give to a woman like that?

Maybe something simple, they haven't gone on a real date after all, so yes keep it simple. In the vids Joker lent him he had seen chocolates given as a gift. It appeared to be a good idea, so did flowers. But a couple of the vids he watched seemed to indicate the human females only like chocolate during certain times of the month. Being a turian he didn't understand the significance of the date of the month in correlation to human female tastes. And the vids didn't explain they only said 'time of the month'…apparently this meant something to humans.

'No chocolate. Could get the date wrong and offend her. Definitely not chocolate." He could get her a model ship, but he thought she had already bought all the models on display, no use getting a copy. And she had several fish already. Doubt she wanted more, at least not more of the same. But there had to be something here…

Ambling over to the kiosk he tapped in the menu and bought up the gift selection.

In the rare instance the shopkeeper might have restocked with new models he went through the assorted ships.

'Nope she has that one and that one and that one….crap…. she even has that one.' Well ships weren't romantic anyway… Tee-shirts? ' No you dumbass, you don't give apparel on the first date… Though at sometime it might be okay to give clothing, have to keep that in mind. Some of those things I saw at "This One's Intimate Apparel"... no…no…no… at least…not yet. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts… Grunt in hot pink armour… Grunt dancing the tango with Mordin…with lace… Shepard in lace and leather… Shepard in tight…black leather… No! No!' He smacked his forehead as if to banish the delinquent thoughts from the theatre of his mind's eye.

The turian and asari shoppers turned at him with worried expressions. Seeing a stressed out man mumbling to himself and then strike himself wasn't a common occurrence. At least not on this section of Zakera Ward. Slowly they started backing away as if his peculiar behaviour were contagious.

"What?" Garrus snapped at them.

They jumped and moved hastily out of the store, leaving the asari behind the counter glaring at him for the loss of her custom. He eyes reflected the thoughts, 'you better buy something or I'll have you removed.'

"Is there a problem sir?" the tone was as coldly polite as the shopkeeper's eyes had been.

"I'm looking for a gift for my…er…girl…special…um…for a good…um..."

"A woman friend?" offered the asari knowingly. At least it explained his odd behaviour.

"Yes, thank you." Garrus signed in relief for the suggested vernacular term.

"We do have a wide variety of goods on offer."

"Yeah I know. Problem is finding the right one. It can't just be anything. She's special, but she don't like things overstated. She's a practical person. A Spectre and a damn fine soldier. One of the best. I just want to give her a…a… 'I'm thinking of you' sort of gift."

"Of course. I assume you already know what she enjoys, perhaps you should start there."

"Oh thank you very much, Miss Obvious." Garrus grumbled. "And I thought asari were supposed to be smartest in the galaxy."

The woman bristled. "There are many stores in Zakera Ward, _sir_. I suggest you may find what you are looking for there. A Spectre may find mods for weaponry or armour far more practical than souvenirs," she said clearly wanting to be rid of the irritating man.

"Yes well…I'm looking here first." Garrus went back to the scrolling menu completely ignoring the frigid glares from the shopkeeper that would make Novaria seem tropical.

'Come on think Vakarian…something simple …' he scrolled through the items available. He went to the fish section shook his head and closed the tab. Yep the fish was a dumb idea too. It was as he suspected, Shepard already had all the variety of species the shop had to offer. There were little plastic castles he could get her a couple of those for her aquatic pets.

'I'll hang on to the idea, might show I'm paying attention to what she likes. Shows I care. That's always a good thing.' There was an intergalactic unwritten law that stated women like it when you show you're paying attention to their likes and dislikes. Every intelligent male involved with a woman knew this, and women no matter the species also knew when you were faking it. That was a very dangerous thing to do. His hand absentmindedly touched his left cheek; he had learned that the hard way. Do not simply nod your head…and mumble ah'ha and for the love of the Spirits, do not; DO NOT say "Yes Dear."

Then he saw it:

"PERFECT!" His mandibles twitched in a turian version of a sly grin.

It wasn't chocolate, but it was just as good. Besides…it showed he was also paying attention to her maternal heritage being a tribal native sort of…well he was paying attention. That was _important_. It was also a relief because it was the sort of gift he'd give a woman of his own species if he was courting her.

'Nice to see that the universe has some commonalty after all. And on the plus side no weird only time of the month thingy.' He'd really have to ask Joker about that. A part of his mind wondered if it had anything to do when Shepard, Miranda and Jack and Gabby all got a bit more irritable than normal. Well normal for normal humans. Jack was always irritable. Though Dr. Chakwas didn't seem to be affected…hum…

Well never mind. He had his gift now. He was a happy man.

.

Shepard watched as Garrus swaggered through the airlock carrying a medium sized wrapped box. The dimensions were approximately 18" x11" x 14" and it piqued the Spectre's curiosity.

"Sooo Garrus, what's in the box?" she sauntered lazily up to the turian as he made his way through the CIC to the elevator.

The man's mandibles fluttered in a turian smirk. "I can't tell you right now."

She folded her arms over her chest. "You're bringing an unknown case on my ship. As her commander, I think I should know."

"In time, Shepard."

"Oh come on!"

The former C-Sec officer shook his head. "Not here."

A coy smile spread across ruby lips. "Oohhh, now I'm really am curious. So what's in the box?"

"As I said not here, Shepard. You'll have to wait. How 'bout your cabin for dinner?"

"Dinner?"

He held up the box.

"You brought dinner?" a warm smile slid across her lips.

He shook his head. "No. Not exactly. Just something of a treat."

"A treat? In a box that size?"

He nodded triumphantly.

"Good thing I bought a couple of bottles of Serrice Iced brandy for both our physiologies." the Spectre grinned. "Dinner it is."

"So Garrus what's in the box?" Tali asked when she saw the man exiting the lift she was just entering. In her left hand was a sealed pouch of dextrous cola along with what the engineer claimed as an emergency induction port. (Straw to anyone else.)

"Oh a little something I picked up on the Citadel for Shepard."

"Oh yeah? What?"

He tore open a corner of the brown paper concealing the box and allowed the quarian to peer in. He could have sworn he heard her brow furrow.

"Um? Really?" Tali lifted her head, her silver eyes reflecting past the purple of her visor. "Seriously?"

"What you don't think she'll like it? PELASE tell me she'll like it! You're a woman, right? Tell me you'd like something like this."

Tali shifted her weight onto her right foot. "I could make you suffer Vakarian for that last line. But I'll give you some advice out of pity. Don't question a woman, even a bad-ass butch one like Shepard about her femininity. We don't like it."

"Right sorry. I…I didn't mean….oh crap." he signed. "I just wanted to show her I was thinking of her. You know that she's more than just the uniform and the great hero commander."

Tali chuckled taking more pity on her fellow team-mate. "Well that certainly does send a message that she is far more than her uniform. A unique choice. Let me know how it goes."

"Then you think she'll like it?"

Tali shrugged. "Hard to say. I know she likes her fish and her model ships. What's to say she won't like that as well?"

Stress seeped out of Garrus, his shoulders practically sagging in his relief.

Tali hadn't been the only one in the Mess, Mordin was busily and quickly chowing down on a plate of Rupert's calamari gumbo while reading from a data padd. He didn't even glance up when Garrus passed by him.

"Garrus. Wanted to speak to you." the doctor said in what could only be termed as a fatherly tone.

"What about, Professor?"

Now he looked up. "Couldn't help but overhear conversation with Tali'Zorah."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Also noticed relationship with the Commander is growing."

"Does everyone know about us?"

"Small ship. Hard to miss."

"Right." the tone of the turian's voice indicated he was becoming defensive. "We're not anything very serious right now. We're just…look any other time I might appreciate your advice but we're not…"

"Understand. Only wanted to wish you luck. Remind you of medical matters."

"Medical matters?"

"Warn of chafing."

"Chafing?"

"Yes. Humans have soft epidermis. Have creams, oils for analgesic chaffing for her…call me after. Human psychology based on evo-amino acid could be toxic. Anaphylactic shock if tissue" he coughed, "is ingested. Advice against it."

"Whoa whoa whoa! We're not even there yet." Garrus clutched the box he was carrying to his chest and held up a hand to forestall the salarian. "I just went down to the Citadel to buy her a little gift. That's all."

"Of course. Did not mean to presume. Perhaps human phrase is appropriate. I jumped the gun. Different species handle stress differently."

"Yes and you're giving me more! I only want to give Shepard…a little something. I have to go." Garrus all but sprinted from the Mess Hall to his favoured hide-away in the main gun battery.

Once inside he fell hard against the shut door and let out a gust of air. By the spirits, this was getting more and more difficult by the minute. All he wanted to give a simple pleasant little gift to Shepard and yet everyone seemed intent to make such a straightforward act out to be a three act opera!

For a moment Shepard toyed with the idea wearing of that little tight black leather dress that Kasumi had gotten for her for that heist they had pulled off then decided no that was over doing it.

No point in making something more complicated and uncomfortable or weird than it needed to be. It was just a friendly dinner, like she had with Kelly a few nights ago. Of course now the younger woman had more of an infatuation than Shepard was strictly comfortable with. On the plus side though she now had someone willing to feed her fish while she was away on missions.

Shepard decided to opt for the casual mode. Shirking out of the Cerberus issued BDUs, she slipped into a pair of Levi jeans, a dark blue tee-shirt and her favourite N7 hoodie and black Converse high tops. The shoes and jeans she had gotten at a store on the Citadel called _Earth Retro_. It was the sort of clothier that specialized in vintage clothing. And it was one of Spectre's favourite stores and a guilty vice. The shoes cost an easy 1200 credits. She bought three pairs, black, red and blue and sent Cerberus the bill.

Miranda at first didn't seem to mind the expenditure. After all the top operatives have an expense account and shoes was an important part of any woman's wardrobe. But when Lawson found out they were simply canvas trainers without proper arch support she was incensed. They weren't even stylish! Shepard's response had been "can't go around wearing combat boots all the time, despite how comfortable they are. Sometimes you just wanted to be lazy when you're off duty and look cool doing it."

The sports shoes were not the only thing that set Miranda Lawson off. Shepard's habit of continually ripping the diamond patches off the BDUs bothered the operative to no end. The protests stopped almost immediately once Shepard threatened to order Lawson into a pair of BDUs to "conform with the rest of the crew" because the operative's preferred tit bursting unitard was not standard military issue. Shepard then aridly asked Lawson "Besides what are you going to do if I don't stop? Run off and tattletale to big-bad-daddy TIMmy and have me replaced? Good luck with that Miss I'm-so-not my-domineering-control-freak-father's-daughter-but-I –want-to put-a-control chip-in-your-head-and turn-you-into-a-drooling-slave."

To this day the look self-disgust on Miranda's face still brought a smile to the Spectre's face. Aww the good times...

Being too long in the military, Shepard picked up the discarded clothes and tossed them into the laundry mesh bag she stored in her wardrobe and surveyed her cabin for any hint of anything out of place.

Nope. All good.

Time to get out the bottles and the glasses.

A shower, change of clothes and Garrus felt turian again, and looking very much forward to having a quiet dinner alone with Shepard.

"So Garrus you were going to tell me about what's in the box." Jack said when she was getting out of the elevator that Garrus was just now entering.

"No I wasn't."

"Spill it." the tattooed woman smirked trying to peek at the torn corner of the box's brown wrapping paper.

"No. It's just something I picked up." he all but snapped.

"Who pissed in your Weaties, Scares?"

"No one pissed in my…wait, what are Weaties? Turians don't have Weaties we have gizzards."

Jack snorted a ball of laughter. "Nevermind. Guess you got the Queen of the Girl Scouts a little someth'en someth'en."

"Eer yes. But it's not Weaties."

This to the utter befuddlement of the poor turian amused the ex-convict immensely. "So what you'd get her? Another toy ship?"

"No and they are models not toys."

"Ah-ha." Jack pushed past him despite the fact there was plenty of room to go around. The only reason she did was to get a better view of the gift through the peep hole. When she saw it she looked up to Garrus with disbelief. "Seriously?"

"What's wrong with it?" Now he was worried once more.

"What on earth possessed you to get _that_?

"Because it isn't chocolate."

"I sure as hell say it aint. But what the fuck Garrus?"

"I did a bit of research. It's perfect."

"If you say so." Jack shook her head still confounded whatever made the turian choose that as a gift of all things. "I would have never pegged her for a fish person either. So hey why the hell not?"

"You don't think it's a good idea?"

"I aint the one trying to give her a toss between the sheets."

"THAT is so not what this is about. It's just something nice." Garrus was back to snapping.

"Pft. yeah right. You give a chick a gift and you aint buddies, it's _always_ about tappin' what she's got between the legs. The Boss Lady has a damn fine ass on her, I'll say that much. Can't blame you for chasing after it. But I've got other targets in mind."

Now Garrus was truly worried. He looked at the box he was carrying. He truly hoped Shepard would like it. He _had_ done his research; she was bound to like it.

Why was the elevator ride so long? The _Normandy_ was one of the most advanced ships ever created and she had the worst lifts. You'd think the engineers would have invented turbo lifts or something by now. But nooo you have to wait ages… oh look he was at the Loft.

Garrus stepped out of the elevator, box in hand and sucked in a steadying breath. Then another and another. There was a metallic knocking sound and he suddenly realized he had been the one making it. He didn't actually recall walking up to the door and lifting his fist to wrap on the surface.

"Yeah it's open." Came Shepard's muffled reply.

Garrus walked in immediately looking for a place to set the box. He opted for a corner on the desk on the 'office' space.' His eyes followed Shepard as she stood next to him, he couldn't help the look of excitement and twinge of fear that was reflected in his gaze.

"So what's in the box?"

"Nothing big. Just something a little fun."

Shepard threw a smirk over her shoulder as she tore apart the packaging paper surrounding the box. The last shred of wrapping gone the Spectre's hand stopped as she saw within the box a small space hamster.

"Oh!" she said for the lack of anything else to say.

"So? It's okay then?"

Shepard grinned, popped opened the lid and reached into the box and took out the furry little creature. She brought it up close to her face, with the tip of her finger gently brushed the hamster's muzzle.

"He's kinda cute"

"Cute?" Garrus cocked his head.

"Well yeah in that teddy bear sorta way. So he does he have a name?"

"Name…" Garrus swallowed. "You want to name him?"

"Sure, he's got to have a name."

"Isn't that a bit…er…morbid."

"Why would it be morbid?" Shepard asked genuinely surprised.

"Well aren't' you going to eat him?"

A look of absolute horror crossed Shepard's face. ."What?" Instinctually she cradled the tiny thing in cupped hands and held it to her chest! "Why in blazes would I eat him? Goddess no!"

"But…you're a tribal."

"I'm a tribal?" a deep set frown etched its way onto the Spectre's face.

"Yes. I researched it all. Granted he's not a guinea pig but I saw the pictures from the extranet they are similar creatures. And I thought since I don't know the time of the month to give you chocolate I'd give you a space hamster. A nice little treat. And I thought well I'd give a similar one to a woman of my own species. I thought it was perfect. Guess there is a time of the month for them as well?"

"Time of the month!" that was definitely a growl.

"Er…yes you know…human women and a certain time of the month…and chocolate and…"

Eyes blazed fire.

"Meep!" came a pathetic sound from cupped hands.

"I'll…just shut up now."

"First of all my mother's people originally come from Spokane we're Salish not from New Guinea and I certainly do NOT eat hamsters, guinea pigs, rats or mice! And secondly my menstrual cycle is not your concern! Honestly Garrus I thought better of you!"

Definitely not going well at all.

"Ah crap Shepard, I'm sorry I … it was an honest mistake…"

"Meep."

"Humph. Well no one is eating Schmooples." The Spectre was still shielding the little thing with her body as if the turian would snatch him away from her and pop him into his mouth or worse swallow him whole like a seagull does a minnow.

"Schmooples? You're naming a snack food Schmooples?"

"Meep."

"You have a problem with that? And he is _not_ food."

Garrus held up his hands in surrender. "No definitely no problems here. Schmooples is…er…a good name for a space hamster."

"Meep."

Shepard's frown deepened. "If you so much as come near him with a knife and fork I'll blast you with a singularly so hard you'll wake up in the next cycle mister. I don't care if you're my best bud or not."

"I couldn't eat him any way, I um…made sure he was edible for evo-amino."

"Well…good…" She turned her back away from Garrus, opened her hand and placed the shivering little creature back into his cage where he promptly made a meep sound and scurried into a little box tucked away in the corner. "Oh don't worry Schmooples the big nasty ol'turian didn't mean to scare you."

"Meep"

The cage was set upon a shelf opposite the wall with all the models.

"Um can I ask why…why Schmooples? It doesn't sound like the sort of name you'd come up with."

A shrug of shoulders. "It was the first thing that popped into my head." She tapped on the glass causing the little guy to pop out of his small shelter.

"Meep." and with that he dashed back in.

"I think we gave Schmooples a complex." Garrus said.

"Yeah. Funny how that can happen when you've been regulated to a snack food like popcorn."

Garrus mandibles twitched in embarrassment.

"Your people really eat hamsters?"

"Well yes. They're pretty tasty."

Shepard made a face. There was a very faint 'meep' from the shelf.

"Tasty or not, no one eats Schmooples."

'Should have gone with the little plastic castles,' Garrus thought despondently.

END

AN3: Of course those who played Dragon Age will recognize the name Schmooples and a few of the lines from Dragon Age. But it was funny. And I know Shepard is a bit OOC but it was fun to make her a bit like charming/sarcastic Lady Hawke of DAII.


End file.
